These Advice given by A Father Which Saved Me during my time as a New Parent

"I believe I was just in survival mode for twelve months."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality soon proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her main carer as well as caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The simple words "You are not in a good spot. You require support. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although people is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges dads encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a larger inability to communicate between men, who still hold onto negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright time and again."

"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - taking a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to better grasp the expression of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when in his youth to alter how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he explains. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a friend, your partner or a professional how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - processing the frustrations constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their pain, transformed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I believe my role is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."