Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
